I decided to
do The Asylum's 'Age of Dinosaurs' a real solid. Before
I settled in to watch this movie, as I'm am cleaning off my
backlog of unseen or long ago seen Sci-Fi Channel originals, I
watched the Sci-Fi original 'Raptor
Island'. 'Raptor Island' could very well be the
worst dinosaur movie ever made, with the theory being that
'Age of Dinosaurs' following on the heels of 'Raptor Island'
would only make 'Age of Dinosaurs' that much better. I
now realize that this theory of mine is flawed. Now
don't misunderstand me as 'Age of Dinosaurs' is another galaxy
better than 'Raptor Island', but watching a mediocre movie
after watching a terrible movie doesn't make the mediocre
movie better. It's still mediocre. At best.
Lesson learned.
Here's an Idea… Let's make some dinosaurs! The
wheelchair bound handi-capable CEO of Geneti-Sharp, Justin
Wilekelew (Ronny Cox)… his last name sounded something similar
to that… has an Earth shattering idea. Since his company
can regenerate skin on burn victims by using a single cell,
what if we amped up this tech and regenerated things that have
been dead like forever. Like dinosaurs. I mean
think of the amazing uses for dinosaurs today! Mind you
I'm paraphrasing Mr. CEO here, but during his big unveil at
some downtown Los Angeles auditorium he mentioned we could
have dinosaurs at Children's parties! That's what he
said! That is, undoubtedly, the dumbest idea to ever
come out of a fake CEO's mouth like ever.
So my man has his big unveil with dinosaurs locked behind
super glass. The same glass used to keep the space
shuttle together, so everybody is safe. However, and
while I can't guarantee this since I've never actually been
really close to a space shuttle, but I don't think they are
made of glass. Oh snap, the dinos have broken out of the
super space shuttle glass and are eating everybody.
This brings
us to our film's principles, laid off firefighter Gabe Jacobs
(Treat Williams) and his broad hipped, bratty teenage daughter
Jade (Jillian Rose Reed). They happen to be at this
event as Jade's uncle Leo (Max Aria) got them tickets since
Jade liked dinosaurs when she was six. I know
right? Who knew liking dinosaurs when you were six would
put your life in danger as twenty-something seventeen year
old?
At this point 'Age of Dinosaurs' turns into a low budget
version of Jurassic Park's I and II, with a doomed CEO trying
to live with his awful decision making and dinosaurs running
and flying amok through a major metropolitan area causing a
ruckus. And at the center of all of this mayhem, at all
times, is Gabe and his baby girl Jade since these dinosaurs
seemed genetically predisposed to chasing auburn haired
teenagers with wide hips. Seriously, in a city of ten
million plus, these dinosaurs only seem to want to eat
Jade.
But it gets worse. I know, right? Apparently our
CEO has a holding tank chock full of hundreds of about to
hatch dinosaurs, and damn if we haven't lost power. It's
all about to go straight to hell, and considering these dino's
are generally bulletproof and in some cases rocket proof, the
age of dinosaurs could be upon us and the age of Man could be
coming to an end. That is if dinosaurs weren't so damned
stupid. I mean Man is kind of stupid in this movie too,
but the dinosaurs are dumber.
Hats off to Asylum director Joseph J. Lawson and his movie Age
of Dinosaurs. We call him 'Asylum Director' because for
some reason, at least for the most part, Asylum film directors
generally aren't allowed to direct normal movies. But
Mr. Lawson's 'Age of Dinosaurs' is the third movie he's
directed under The Asylum banner and none his movies,
including 'Nazi's
at the Center of the Earth' and 'Age
of Hobbits' has made me want to resume my pastime of
self-mutilation. Bravo!
Does this mean that 'Age of Dinosaurs' is a good movie?
Of course it doesn't silly! That's crazy talk!
Pretty much the very existence of the narrative leading to why
dinosaurs are eating the majority of Los Angeles makes it
suspect off the bat, but I'll have you know that 'Age of
Dinosaurs' survives that wacky premise, and while it never
elevates to being a good movie, at least it is entertaining
for the most part.
You see, unlike that putrid 'Raptor Island', at least this is
a movie about dinosaurs where the dinosaurs didn't look like
total ass. Sometimes they looked fantastic, sometimes
their movements were a little moonwalky, and when the horde
got released during the end, it looked pretty clear that the
rendering budget couldn't cover that kind of dinosaur action,
but having dinosaurs that look like dinosaurs is pretty key to
your movie about dinosaurs being somewhat successful.
The performances were pretty decent, Treat Williams handling
the existence of rampaging dinosaurs with the coolness of the
Fonz at a high school dance, with most of the heavy stuff
placed on the shoulders of Jillian Rose Reed who had to do
most of the running, screaming and emoting, and the young lady
handled it well. Special shout out to actor Andray
Johnson, if for no other reason than the brother looked cool
as the beleaguered captain trying to make the best out of an
impossible situation.
Is the movie stupid? Why yes it is. Modern video
cameras have great lenses which can get outstanding shots of
what's happening on the ground, from a helicopter, from a
distance. So when a reporter says… 'let's get a closer
shot', the helicopter pilot doesn't have to listen to
her. Is a sonic whistle really a good enough of a
deterrent to stop a dinosaur from eating you? I don't
think so. Why do people in dinosaur movies insist on
sacrificing themselves so their loved ones can live? You
know… I'll stay and slow it up… you guys get out of
here! That never works. Why come a dinosaur can
bust through a steel door, but is totally baffled when faced
with a chain link fence? Why come a dinosaur can run
straight through a barrage of 12-gage blasts to the grill, but
yet is easily taken out by 2x4 swat to the head? There
are more questions, but we must close out.
Sure, 'Age of Dinosaurs' may not be art, as if we know what
that is, but it is a reasonably competent ripoff of various
scenes of Jurassic Park, and one we didn't mind sitting
through.
