I was
getting a little on the concerned side because it had been
like a good year since I've seen a Steven Seagal Straight to
DVD joint. That's damned unnatural right there. So
badly I was fiending for some Seagal-ese entertainment, I was
forced to put in my copy of 'Today You Die' to see the guy who
'Walks like a Black Man and Breathes like a Killer'.
Still don't know what the hell that means. But all is
right because Stevie is back, along with his favorite director
Keoni Waxman, and we have a new Seagal to cue up in 'A Good
Man'. A film where Steven Seagal plays some kind of
ex-special forces badass, mumbles his lines, and kicks much
ass while being almost completely immobile. Think Mr.
Seagal can do that? Why yes he can. Better than
anybody ever.
Somewhere in some Middle Eastern nation, the man they call The
Ghost (Seagal) and some other dude have been tasked with
taking out Bin Laden Part II. Though I couldn't
understand the majority of what Ghost was talking about, other
than his relentless profanities, but he was upset that there
were only two of them on this mission as opposed to
fifteen. Like that's going to stop him from killing
every single one of those bastards… except for the one that
got away.
Fast forward a couple of years where Seagal… his character has
a name, but why bother? But Seagal is a handyman at an
apartment complex where he helps his toasty neighbor Lena
(Iulia Verdes) and her terribly cute little sister Mya (Sofia
Nicolaescu) out of some trouble. Also relevant to this
family is big brother Sasha (Victor Webster) who works for the
evil Russian mobster Vlad… like he'd be named something else…
but only to pay off their old man's debts as Sasha is a really
good dude. This is a recent trend in Seagal's latest
films in that we are introduced to a younger, fitter dude who
gets most of the screen time and action, with Victor Webster
serving that role in this movie.
Anyway, that
man that got away in the op back in the day was Chinese arms
dealer Mr. Chen (Tzi Ma), and that's the guy that Seagal
really wants to kill, but there are issues. First Lena
works behind the bar at Vlad's strip club, and it doesn't go
unnoticed that she's hotter than most of the strippers
there. Second, somebody's been robbing Vlad of his
money, money which actually belongs to Mr. Chen, and Mr. Chen
doesn't like getting robbed. But Mr. Chen has noticed
the hot bartender as well and will let Vlad off the hook if he
just delivers her to him, which of course isn't going to make
Sasha happy, and will only make Seagal wince and mumble his
lines even worse. And they've kidnapped the little girl
too. Plan to sell her off to some pedophile or
something. These guys are awful.
What does this all mean? People have to die is what this
means. Seagal will be effortlessly killing people in his
trademark immobile fashion, while Sasha will do all the heavy
lifting and absorb most of the abuse while killing people…
until the big showdown between Seagal and Mr. Chen. But
we've seen this show before and we know how that's going to
end, don't we?
'A Good Man' is fairly typical for these Waxman / Seagal
joints, probably a little better than 'Force of Execution' but
not nearly as magical as 'A Dangerous Man', though there was
some magic here. Like Mr. Chen starts off talking to our
Russian mobster about a Chinese proverb he remembers and he
starts off with '… If you stand to close to the river bank…'
and then there's a dramatic pause so I start guessing what the
second half of the proverb might be. Stand to close to
the river bank and your feet might get wet? Or the fish
will leap into your bag? Or the waves will carry you
away? No… apparently if you stand to close to the river
bank the rotting bodies of your enemies will start floating
by. Worst Proverb Ever. Even Tzi Ma couldn't make
that sound good.
But as far as the typical stuff, we have more Steve mumbling
his lines, more one sided beatdowns, though this time he used
a sword for brutal effect, more topless Eastern European women
because Steve is a HUGE fan of those, lots of Victor Webster
being the true star of this movie since he had to do all the
real action, acting, running, and emoting, and a narrative
which I will admit I stopped paying attention too about
halfway through. I knew who had to die and I knew who
had to kill them so I was good.
But one thing did kind of bother me, and that was the final
scene. For the life of me I don't know why this wasn't
edited out of the movie, but it features our starlet, topless,
kind of writhing on a seated, fully clothed in layers Steven
Seagal. I mean it was super creepy and really
uncomfortable to watch. I've seen enough of my man's
movies to know that he usually includes a scene like this, but
for some reason this one was really disturbing to me.
Maybe because the actress is literally young enough to be his
granddaughter, or maybe because the scene flat out didn't
belong.
Anyway, 'A Good Man' was functional Seagal entertainment,
meaning this was mediocre nonsense and probably should only be
watched by the hardcore among us. But still way better
than those dark Seagal days from mid-2000's.
Please don't take us back there Steve. Please.
