Forgive me, but allow me begin this article
by whining like a punk. You see I read reviews of movies
just like you guys, and I'm reading a review of this Asylum
joint 'Android Cop' and the dude mentions he got a
screener. I don't get no freaking no screener.
I've been reviewing movies from The Asylum for the better of a
decade, not to mention that there's an entire…
freaking… page on this website dedicated to ONLY the
movies from The Asylum, but do I get a screener? No I do
not. I gotta pay for this stuff just like you
people. At least those of you who don't
steal. Admittedly, I don't arbitrarily give the
majority of the movies from The Asylum high marks, but that
could change if I started getting them for free.
Maybe? Until then, I must stay honest a true, just
like I will be honest and true with you on this movie 'Android
Cop' which was terrible. But I kind of liked it anyway.
Hardcore cop Detective Hammond (Michael Jai White) is chasing
some criminals in the badlands of Los Angeles, that looks a
lot like a paintball field, the same paintball field where
they shot The Asylum movie 'Battle
of Los Angeles'. The year is 2040? I think?
And tragically during the chase Hammond's partner is cut down
by a malfunctioning machine gun droid which will shape
Hammond's negative view of robots forever and ever.
Some more actiony stuff happens, but let's fast forward a bit
to Hammond being told by his gruff captain (Steve Tom) that
the android that helped him out during the actiony part we
skipped over will be his new partner. Hammond hates
robots and stuff. Andi (Randy Wayne), Hammond will call
him for short, seems to be rather small, cute and blondish for
an android design, as I would probably design my android cop
to be north of 6'5" and a lot tougher looking, but what do I
know about android design?
Anyway, our cops get a mission. The
Mayor (Charles S. Dutton) is looking for his daughter.
She's trapped in the badlands, but here's the kicker… she's an
android, but she doesn't know she's an android.
Apparently, due to illness or something, her human
consciousness has been transported to an android body while
she got well. Or something. I can't really
remember. But I do know she's an android and Hammond and
Andi have to get her back, problem being she's confused and is
working with the Badland rebels against her father.
There are more problems because it would seem this mission is
actually a setup, and dirty cop Sgt. Smith (Kadeem Hardison)
plans for the mayor's daughter Helen (Larissa Vereza),
Hammond, and Andi to die in the badlands for reasons we are
not going to get into. And even if they get out of the
badlands, Sgt. Smith has an ace up his sleeve to make sure his
evil plan becomes a reality… unless the Android Cop can stop
this madness!
Directed by Asylum regular Mark Atkins, who, among others has
helmed a couple of the worst movies in The Asylum catalog in
the aforementioned 'Battle of Los Angeles' and the completely
awful 'Alien
Origin', but at least I can say that 'Android Cop' has
it all over those movies. I imagine we are kind of
mockbusting the new Robocop movie, but this is more of a buddy
cop movie… think Clint Eastwood's 'The
Gauntlet' or '16 Blocks'
with Bruce Willis meets 'Alien Nation' with a touch of 'Mad
Max' mixed in… as we have these two mismatch cops trying to
get a helpless soul safe passage through a barrage of bullet
filled obstacles in a burnt out, dystopian world.
With Michael Jai White headlining, and vets Charles S. Dutton
and Kadeem Hardison in support, the acting, at least from
those three wasn't an issue. Plus there was
action. Lots of it. Endless even. It's not
the best action, unless of course it was featuring Michael Jai
White kicking somebody in the face, but there were enough car
chases, shootouts, shootouts, shootouts, and bad CGI vehicle
chases for three movies.
Were there issues? Of course there were. Endless
even. The editing was choppy, and the narrative was
jumbled and disjointed, though it did have a bit of a plot
twist near the end I didn't see coming, which is always
appreciated. It is nice that the future has seemed to
perfect the android to the point you can't really tell them
apart from humans, not to mention conscious transfer
technology, but one would think that Chrysler would've updated
it's Dodge Charger cop cruiser somewhere within the last
thirty years. While White, Dutton and Hardison might be
pretty good actors, I don't know about the rest of the
cast. Even though the only real requirement for our
Android Cop was to be stiff and unemotional, Randy Wayne
didn't pull that seemingly simple task off, compounded with
the fact he wasn't really oppressive enough looking for the
part. This is probably where, as a casting guy, I
would've gone with some steroided out UFC or WWE guy that
can't really act for that part. Then there's Brazilian
actress Larissa Vereza whose IMDB short synopsis of her says
she is 'Known for her Brilliant and Profound
acting'. While there are a few things about Ms.
Vereza which are certainly profound, mostly having to do with
exceptionally favorable genetics, I'm not sure acting is one
of them. And we will let it go at that, if for no
other reason than those favorable genetics we just spoke
of.
Taken as a whole, judged against regular competition, 'Android
Cop' is terrible. Placed against the kind of movies we
largely watch over here… that we pay for and don't get free
screeners of… it wasn't that bad. As a side note, there
was an octoroon reference near the end. I got
that. Unless you know what an octoroon is, you might not
get it.
