Attila

Since this site began some eight years ago, basically as a means to give a reason as to why I watch so many horrible films, I've been begging some low budget film company to allow me to hang out, from conception, to completion, on how they dream up these awful movies. I've been particularly lobbying hard for The Asylum to come through for me, but alas, despite my loyalty to their product, my cries have fallen on deaf ears. Two years from now, this site will end. Or at least I won't have anything more to do with it, but until then I will continue to lobby my cause. I want to see how this stuff comes to light, and the Asylum's latest epic crapterpiece 'Attila' only strengthens my resolve. And if it will help my cause to stop using the word 'crap', I am more than willing to do this.

Now I'm trying to recall the details of this one, as it has been a week or two since I've seen it and my brain isn't quite as robust as it used to be, but we start out in the old days with Attila (Chris Cole) and his Sons of Anarchy Sumatra (Chieky Kongo) and Blatel (Danny Ligsay) doing some marauding. Apparently they are looking for something, this something being the great staff of Moses. The thing about the staff of Moses is that it is topped with a gold skull head with diamond studded eyes. Who knew Moses was a straight up Peeimp! Anyway, the plot is kind of convoluted but I think Attila either wants to save the world, or destroy the world with the Staff of Moses… I can't remember… and he breaks it into three pieces and sends the pieces around the world, along with his Sons of Anarchy, to defend the pieces for eternity. Or the next two minutes. Whichever comes first.

Fast forward to the present where hardcore soldier Lt. Vito (Chris Conrad) is on a mission to retrieve something or another in a cave. Lt. Vito has two other people with him, so it seems strange when the extraction chopper came and only Lt. Vito grabbed the dangling ladder. I'm no extraction expert, but it seems like everyone could've climbed the ladder, thus when Vito was

going apeshit towards the pilot that he 'Left a Man Behind', men who would be summarily murdered for no reason I could tell, he really has no one to blame but himself for being a jerk. Apparently Vito has a habit of Leaving Men Behind, which is why he dreams about them all time. Even when he's awake. Which causes him to shoot at them. While this might seem like an issue to you and me, but in this particular army, debilitating mental illness is clearly a positive.

Apparently Vito has found the last piece of the Staff of Moses. Why do we need the Staff of Moses? To make superhuman super soldiers of course, silly. Problem is that Son of Anarchy Sumatra has now been reanimated, don't ask me how, and he's on the run straight slaughtering people. Now super hardcore General Thaddeus (M. Steven Felty) has to have Super Hardcore Lt. Vito to assemble a Super Hardcore team of Super Inept Soldiers to track down Sumatra, who is blithely killing anything and everything that crosses his path, and do something with him. They will not succeed in this. In fact the majority of them will pointlessly die for a cause that I still cannot remember what for.

But where's Attila? The movie is called 'Attila', not 'Sumatra'. He's coming. Via flaming head. It's complicated.

Friends, our heroes at The Asylum have green lit some wacky productions in their day, but you are going to have to search far and wide to find one as consistently nonsensical as this one. This movie right here could be the poster child for the art of cinematic not giving a f@#k. Oft times we will watch these wacky movies and it will devolve into lunacy over time, but 'Attila' had the good sense to start with not making a lick sense, and carried that consistency through to the bitter end. That's a lack of clarity and understanding that we can admire, if not champion.

When I say it starts out stupid, I mean it. The open credits start with Attila and the gang punching people amidst bone crunching sound effects and CGI blood splatter on the screen turning into titles, but I swear there were times Attila would swing and miss, but we would still get bone crunching sound effects and CGI blood splatter, and it would only get worse from there. From the soldiers getting Left Behind, to Sumatra's lack of any kind of discernible goal or motivation, to a narrative that seems to have no clue what happened the prior scene or what might happen in the next scene, to Vito's awesome PTSD limitations, to the ineptitude of the soldiers… bullets don't work, grenades don't work, rocket launchers don't work… so what are the chance that Kung Fu will work? To the General's terrible plan for a super soldier… not to mention the end game which almost has to be seen to be believed, at no point did anybody connected with this production ever give a f@#k about anything having anything to do with this movie being even remotely coherent. That's awesome.

So am I advising anyone to actually watch 'Attila'? Oh good heavens no, I'm telling you to avoid this at all costs. This is one that is so insanely horrible that it could explode the brain capillaries of the uninitiated. I don't want to be responsible for that. This crapterpiece is kind of awesome in its own special way, but it's not worth suffering an aneurism over. That could happen.