Before
MegaShark went toe to toe with Giant Octopus, before Dinocroc
and Supergator did battle, before Super Crab met Crabantula…
oh wait, that movie hasn't been made yet… contact me if you
want the low down on that one… back in 2004 Boa met
Python in a battle for all the marbles. In hindsight
they should've called it Giant Boa vs. Mega Python… but that's
hindsight for you. And to the surprise of no one, Boa
vs. Python is terrible… terribly awesome! Just playing…
it's just awful. Awfully great!
Broddick (Adamo Palladino) is a jerk of a casino owner who
likes hunting big game, like really big pythons. I
thought googling Python Hunting would turn up nothing, but I'd
be wrong because apparently Python hunting is really big in
Florida. Go figure. Broddick also has a really hot
girlfriend in Eve (Angel Boris) and right now Eve is on
Broddic's giant jet about to take a bath, even though Eve
looked pretty darned clean before she started soaping them
up. You may think this was a gratuitous attempt to
squeeze some nudity into this film, but you would be mistaken
because Broddick lets one of his pet snakes terrorize Eve
while she was soaping up, with Eve telling us how much she
hates snakes. That's plot critical info right
there. Plus Eve has a snake tattoo going down her back,
and while that might sound stupid considering she's afraid of
snakes, we know that director David Flores is propping that up
as a symbol of the oppressiveness that Broddick maintains over
this poor woman, in a sense decrying third world feminine
oppression. That's what I read into that.
Anyway, this Python that Broddick was going to hunt with his
crew of hired hunters has escaped, and is running around loose
in Philadelphia. Even though the vast majority of these
Philadelphians have Eastern European accents.
Investigating the case of the Missing Python is hardcore FBI
agent Mr. Sharpe (Kirk Woller) and he has a plan to catch this
thing. First, round up the brilliant 24 year old blonde
premier expert in her field of sonar detection, Dr. Monica
(Jamie Bergman), then track down Boa expert Dr. Emmett (David
Hewlett), have Monica put her Sonar Tech on Dr. Emmett's
beloved Giant Boa, then release the boa into Philadelphia so
it can find this Python so Agent Sharpe's men can kill
it. In the history of stupid plans for hunting giant
monsters in cinema, and there have been a lot of them, this
could be the worst one ever.
So on one
side we have Sharpe, Dr. Monica and Dr. Emmitt tracking this
snake through the Philly sewers, and the other side we have
Broddick, and his crew hunting this snake. Now about the
hunters, other than they are terrible at hunting, most notable
is Eve's hunting gear which is HIGHLY inappropriate, and the
inclusion of two FCU favorites in Griff Furst playing
the sniveling son of one of the hunters, and Bulgarian actor
Atanas Srebrev as a pretty boy sniper, who is the FCU's most
favorite actor in the whole wide world. This was
2004. In 2014 a slightly more rotund Atanas doesn't play
pretty boy's anymore, but he's still our favorite.
So this movie is almost over, and what haven't we talked
about? The Boa fighting the Python. Finally it
happens. Roll credits.
Sure, while director David Flores film 'Boa vs. Python' drops
the ball in the one thing that anybody picking up this movie
might want to see, this being a giant boa vs. a mega python,
but there are other things in this film which make it oddly
tolerable. Say like Actress Angel Boris and her unique
talent of being able to take a bath, and sell me on the fact
that she's taking a bath. Not everybody can do
that. And say you're a woman or a gay dude who doesn't
find Angel Boris taking a bath remotely interesting, Adomo
Palladino spends way more time shirtless in this movie than
Angel Boris does topless. I mean this is a cat that
could seriously be on that soap opera the Bold and the
Beautiful if he was a better actor. There was a
scene where the Python ate some lovers, with the Python
apparently going down on the woman. Now that's pretty
shocking, but more shocking was the headline blaring out 'TWO
MISSING TEENS', when this woman seemed to be clearly into her
mid-forties. And if I'm a hunter, and I know I'm out
hunting something, and I'm holding a high powered rifle, when
I see this something should I just start screaming? I'm
no hunter but I think I would shoot first then scream after
I'd run out of bullets. While the Python was certainly
the bad guy in the movie, when it tried to rape the Boa… that
was probably crossing the line. Plus it tried to rape a
Boa that was already pregnant. Of course we could ask
what impregnated a 75ft Boa that was genetically bred and
raised in complete captivity, we are not going to ask
that.
There's other stuff in Boa vs. Python, that doesn't include a
Boa vs. a Python, that make it slightly above its other
Bulgarian based Sci-Fi original brethren, but we have no time
for that. If you have to watch a movie that's called Boa
vs. Python, lacking Boas vs. Pythons, but filled with other
stuff… here it is.
