What do we have here with this little seen
film from 2001 calling itself 'Harold Robbins' Body
Parts'? Well, we have a film from New Concorde, which
means it has erupted from the loins, in some form or fashion,
from the legendary Roger Corman. That pretty much tells
us everything we need to know, and what we can expect.
We know it's going to be cheaply made… check. We know
it's going to be directed by somebody working for next
nothing… this one directed by someone named Craig Corman who
we must assume is a relative… check. We are confident
that we are going to see some nudity… check. And lastly,
we need a star who is somewhat recognizable but down on his
luck. Look over there… it's Richard Greico! Check
and Mate. Thus you would think that with this collection
of items 'Body Parts' would be terrible. Well, it's not
as I bad as I thought it was going to be. But then I
watch terrible movies for a living so take that as you will.
In Hong Kong, I think, naval officers Ty (Greico) and J.J.
(Will Stewart) are riding with Ty's wife Rachel (Athena
Massey) on their way to a drug deal. Ty thinks this an
awful plan, but his pal J.J. assures him the 700 large is
theirs for the taking and even Rachel is on board. Of
course the double cross is on with J.J. killing the people at
the drop, keeping the drugs and the money, and then plugging
his best friend in the gut with a shotgun blast with his
doting wife egging J.J. on. Ty clearly has terrible
taste in friends and women.
Fortunately Ty survives, minus a kidney. Unfortunately,
he will be spending the next twenty years in a Hong Kong
prison for murder. That is until Hong Kong goes back to
China, and in a show of good will, Hong Kong agrees to set
American Murderers free. Hey… I'm just telling you what
they told us in regards to why Ty just walked out of jail.
Anyway, Ty is doing pretty good. He's
back home in Cali, he has a boat and oddly enough he's not
looking for revenge or nothing. But then his wife shows
up with some story how J.J., now a big time gangster, wants
him dead. Ty remembers how his wife and J.J. tried to
kill him, and how she was screwing J.J., and what a
duplicitous bitch she was, but we all have our faults, but
still he doesn't trust her. This is followed by somebody
at a distance with a high powered rifle taking shots at the
both them. The wife recommends that Ty take a trip to
the Philippines and take J.J. out first. Sounds fishy to
me, but then she hit Ty over the head with her poo, which is
elongated, gratuitous sex scene #1. This scene kind of
ended with J.J. choking the shit out of her, leading us to
believe Ty might have some unresolved issues with this
woman. Regardless, now Ty is on a plane to the
Philippines to take J.J. out.
First thing Ty needs to do is meet his contact Lina (Teresa
Loyzaga) who just happens to run a strip club.
Gratuitous titties abound. Outstanding. J.J. gets
some info, but first he meets Inez (Joyce Jimenez) the lovely
overdeveloped hooker who wears one of the more amazing hooker
outfits you will ever want to see. For the little time
she's in it. Elongated Sex scene #2 shall commence.
After all of that, finally Ty confronts J.J. and is ready to
kill him. For a naval officer, Ty sucks at shooting
people who are standing right in front of him. Now Ty is
sad that he sucks, so he convinces Inez to take him home so
they can have more sex. Inez really just wants to come
to America, but Ty doesn't seem to be interested in doing
that. I'm not sure why. Ty also has more
opportunities to kill J.J., but he is really, really pathetic
at this.
At this point the narrative in this movie, which was shaky
from frame one, spirals completely out of control and turns
into some kind of black market organ movie. I get it's
the title of the movie, but it still kind of came out of
nowhere. And the then the double cross is back on,
mainly because Ty is really, really stupid, but the worst part
is that the genesis behind the double cross in the first place
makes absolutely no sense.
Without spending too much time in deconstruction, 'Harold
Robbins' Body Parts' is a pretty awful movie. And as
hard as I try, I can't find a book Harold Robbins wrote called
'Body Parts' anywhere, so I don't know what the hell Mr.
Robbins had to do with this movie, especially considering he
was long dead by the time this movie came out. The story
makes negative sense, Richard Greico, God bless him, seemed
consistently annoyed to be in this movie, and he was still the
best actor in the movie, the action was lame, and there was
nice sheen of cheapness which covered this whole production.
But why wasn't it as bad as I thought? Well, I pretty
expected that pre-mentioned badness going in, but Craig Corman
does keep this slop moving pretty fast, plus Athena Massey and
Joyce Jimenez do naked really good.
True enough, a movie constructed on a bed of complete nonsense
that moves fast, coupled with a pair of women who have to
search long and hard to find brassieres that fit them do not
equal a good movie. Oh hell no, because this is
terrible, but we do try to err on the side of the positive
over in these parts, so I'm just floating that out there.
