me to take this space to give a free plug to the site
FrightPix. This is one of the apps on my XBOX and I
decided to take advantage of it on this day. You don't
need an XBOX to watch the FrightPix… a PC… a tablet…
whatever. And these movies are completely free. On
the XBOX I was tortured with the same three XBOX ONE ads about
every twenty minutes, which got mighty annoying, but it didn't
cost me nothing. FrightPix isn't giving me one red cent
for this plug, just letting you know that there are a LOT of
ways to legally watch free movies out there. Looking at
their catalog, I've seen a bunch of the movies on their site,
and almost to a movie, the ones I've seen have been pretty
much horrible. That includes the movie we saw for free…
'Breeders' from 1997… which was… awful.
I mean… absolutely… terrible.
I mean I wanted to shut it off it was so bad. But I
didn't. Because I have a mental problem.
A meteor lands outside a girls school in Boston, releasing a
chick in a weird suit (the late Kadamba Simmons), and a
monster with a very active upper lip. The next day the
authorities, including mega asshole cop Moore (Oliver Tobias),
survey the scene and do absolutely nothing, then leave.
This leaves Jack the Janitor (Richard Harrington) on the scene
to clean this mess up. How do I Jack is a janitor?
Because he wears a green jump suit that has the word JANITOR
emblazoned on the back of it. That's how I know.
Now we meet the star of our film, Ashley as played by FCU
favorite Todd Jensen, one of the reasons I actually cued this
movie up. Todd teaches art at this school. Kind
of. He taught about 45 seconds of one class and it looks
like he only did this just to get a feel for the tail he will
be soon chasing down. And he also looks to be the only
teacher at this girls boarding school. One that has a
principle. What I'm saying here, is that while I realize
that none of these actresses are anywhere close to being
underage, but if this school has a Principle, and if this the
United States, then this school is a high school. Writer
/ Director Paul Matthews probably should've made Principle
Roper (Melanie Walters) a Dean. That's all I'm
saying. That still doesn't make it okay for art
teachers to be sleeping with their students in their on-campus
housing, but at least it's legal.
introduce us to the object of Ashely's desire, this being
Louise, as played by actress Samantha Janus… the only reason
to even remotely consider watching this movie. 'Why
Christopher?', you ask. I hate to be crude here, I
really do, and I realize at this point I haven't said much
about this terrible movie, but the reason would be Samantha
Janus, now Samantha Womack's behind. It's big, and
round, and thick, and has these two shapely trunk like legs
attached to it… she's almost the White Serena Williams.
It could be 8th wonder of the world. It's
incredible. Director Paul Matthews knew this, which is
why he either had this woman in a way too tight mini skirt, or
way too tight blue jeans, or a thong, or nothing. He
knew. He played to the strength of his movie.
Gotta at least give him credit for that.
Anyway, where were we? I can't remember. I do know
that certain people and a few girls turn up missing, and
asshole cop Moore for some reason thinks its Ashley.
Ashley is breaking law, true that, but he's not responsible
for this. Moore sends a squad of cops into the sewers to
search for clues. How do I know they are cops?
Because they have the word POLICE emblazoned on the back of
their cop vests. That's how I know. They get
eviscerated, never to be heard from again, and the sewers
explode. Does anybody care? Does Moore, at any
time, ask why his cops haven't returned or even checked
in? Or why the school exploded? No he
What does this monster want? I'm not sure. He's
not raping these women, and the chick in the space suit has
told us that these women can't even give birth to future
monsters because the newborns will kill each other, so he just
puts eggs in them. To what end… I can't tell you.
Plus the monster is invincible. It's immune to bullets
and explosions. Just ask those dead cops. Until we
stop it by shooting it and blowing it up.
Truly, outside of Samantha Janus' lower half, there's not a
lot to recommend in this one. Todd Jensen, who we
champion on this site, kind of let us down, the actors
struggled mightily with just about everything, part of this
being… I'm guessing… that the majority of them were British
trying in vain to fake American accents, and the pacing was
too erratic and when it wasn't erratic it was just slow.
Of course the narrative was nonsensical, but even more than we
imagined. Louise was possessed by the monster, but to
cure Louise our hero just ripped off her space rock
pendant. Louise is good now. Other chicks are
possessed by the monster, other chicks are wearing space rock
pendants, but they were greeted with shotgun blasts to the
gut. What's up with that? Plus this is a movie
that probably would've been better served just playing up the
sleaze factor. It takes place in a girls school, we can
see from one gratuitous shower scene, so we know that
these girls don't mind getting naked for the camera, it has a
monster that wants to impregnate them… just throw caution and
good taste into the wind… ala Humanoids
from the Deep… and just go for it. I'm not saying
it would've made for a better movie, but it would be a movie
that is better remembered than it is today, and probably
wouldn't be free on FrightPix. That's all I'm