Cat, as played by the lovely Paz Vega, is a prostitute. Now we’re not one for prostitutes but we were curious what Cat charges, not that we could afford it anyway. Besides, we didn’t see Cat do anything ‘prostitute like’ in this movie ‘Cat Run’ except dress like one. When we visit Cat, she’s at a party at one of those posh Eastern European villas, surrounded by armed gunman protecting important people, with none of these important people being the numerous nude prostitutes that are cavorting amidst the old dudes in business suits. Next thing we know something has gone terribly wrong, prostitutes are getting shot in the head, but Cat manages to make it out, along with a vital piece of information, and now Cat is on the Run.

Across town we are introduced to Anthony (Scott Mechlowicz), a failed culinary artist and all around wet blanket, and his BFF from way back Julian (Alphonso McAuley) a wise-cracking Black guy. Like there’s any other kind of Black guy in an action comedy. By this time Anthony and Julian have crossed paths with Cat who has stolen some things from them, but that’s neither here nor there to be honest with you because what’s important is that Julian has convinced Anthony that they need to start a detective agency in this unnamed Eastern European country. By this point you realize you have to just roll with ‘Cat Run’ and whatever they throw at you because it has officially stopped making any kind of logical sense. They hire D.L. Hughley as their one-armed, no legged receptionist. See what I mean?

Their first job, as decreed by Anthony, is to find Cat who is clearly in a lot of trouble. A lot of people are looking for Cat such as the oppressive Mr. Carver (Karl Roden) who wants what Cat has stolen from the party returned to him really bad. This thing she’s stolen can sink the life of U.S. Secretary of Defense Krebb (Christopher McDonald), among others, who in turn will fail to ratify the missile contract of another evil dude and cost everybody millions. To accelerate the recovery process Mr. Carver has hired former MI-6 operator Helen Bingham (Janet McTeer), who looks like a really tall Sunday School Teacher, but one who will snip and cut and torture and murder her way across Eastern Europe until she gets what she has been hired to find.

So the challenge for our heroes is to find Cat, and Cat’s baby… did I mention the baby? Don’t worry about it. Anyway, they have to find Cat before Ms. Bingham finds Cat because if Ms. Bingham finds Cat, Cat will cease to exist. Unless, of course, something weird happens to make everybody get along or something. I’m not saying that’s gonna happen, but weird stuff happens sometimes in movies like this. But I can tell you with some certainty what’s going to happen, and you know it’s going to happen too, and this is that mayhem, chaos and zany shenanigans will ensue. You can bet on that.

Directed by John Stockwell who used to be an actor a long time ago… I guess he still is an actor… but he starred in one of my all time favorite movies when I was a kid called ‘My Science Project’. I need to watch that again. Regardless, I can’t say that ‘Cat Run’ will be my list of all time favorite movies, though I imagine my fifteen year old would probably love it. That is if I allowed him to watch it, which I can’t because it’s far too violent with its exploding heads and severed penises and stuff, and it has a little too much full frontal nudity for a semi-responsible parent to allow his child to view. But it’s not just the violence and the titties that your average fifteen year old boy would like about this movie, though that would probably be the main reason, but also because ‘Cat Run’ is really, really busy. I mean Stockwell has sensory overload coming from all directions in this one. Car chases, boat chases, shootouts galore, explosions, political intrigue, double crosses, fist fights, knife fights, not to mention the numerous attempts at comedy, or the Two Guys a Whore and Baby concept, all topped off with a little heist action. And more stuff I forgot to mention. Busy… thy name is ‘Cat Run’.

Of course this overload approach doesn’t make ‘Cat Run’ unwatchable, especially if you are well aware of this going in, and Stockwell does keep this nonsense under some kind of narrative control so that it’s not completely unwieldy. Plus if you completely dismiss ‘Cat Run’ you will miss out on the new award that the Academy has invented called Best Performance by an Actress in a Bad Movie, with Janet McTeer being the front runner to get that coveted award this year considering her character of Helen Bingham pretty much stole this movie away from her hapless co-stars. You don’t want to miss out on that now do you? I didn’t think so. Nor do you want to miss out on the One Armed Man v. Sunday School Teacher MMA battle royale. Come on now.

If you’re looking for a movie that makes very little sense, but moves fast enough that you just might not notice it, then ‘Cat Run’ should awaken the fifteen year old boy inside of you. That is if you want him awoken. Personally, I like the fifteen year old boy inside me just where he is. That… sounded weird.