Doctor King (Jeffrey Combs) is insane.
And while almost all these mad scientists in these Sci-Fi
Original movies that create these crazed beasts have issues,
Dr. King takes the cake. And while the Sci-Fi original
'Hammerhead', later renamed Shark Man, is truly terrible on
all kinds of levels of terribleness, One thing that is not
terrible about this movie is Jeffrey Combs and his innate
ability to chew up a scene and spit that son of a bitch
out. Jeffrey Combs is awesome.
Our film opens with some vacationers swimming off the coast of
somewhere… the movie is shot in Bulgaria… when they are eaten,
in quick cut fashion, by something in the water resembling a
shark. Now I was thinking that director Michael Oblowitz
shot this scene in this fashion because he wanted to tease us
with his terrifying Shark Man, but unfortunately every scene
featuring the Shark Man will be shot this way and we really,
never, ever get a good look at it. What a
disappointment. Dr. King has created a Shark Man from
Hammerhead DNA, and if he could just get this shark man to
mate with these drugged out Bulgarian women instead of
ingesting them for food, we will have a new Atlantis.
That's what my man said. I told you he was nuts.
Anyway, fast forward a bit stateside where chief scientist
Amelia (Hunter Tylo) is having some computer problems.
Fortunately, Tom (William Forsythe) the head of I.T., has come
to fix it. I'm a little curious though. Tom and
Amelia are lovers, Tom says he's here to fix the computer,
William Forsythe has one of the more distinctive voices in
cinema, but Amelia didn't know it was him until she lifted her
head up. How many gravely voiced dudes in the company is
Amelia doing? Anyway, they start making out on her desk
which I'm almost positive is a violation of the this company's
employee handbook.
Moving along, the CEO of this company Mr.
Feder (Arthur Roberts) has just gotten word that his ex
employee Dr. King has a new tech which is going to set the
world on fire, so he gathers up a small team to go King's
island estate for a presentation and some fun in the
sun. Amelia doesn't really want to go because King is
nuts and she was once engaged to King's son before he
tragically died of cancer, but we need our hot science expert
to decipher the scientifical talk, so she's on the
plane. Her boyfriend the I.T. guy is going to.
Don't know why.
Sure enough, once they get to the island, Dr. King has a
presentation for them and it's a kick ass presentation.
Ending with the team from the states locked in a room, filling
up with water so the Shark Man can eat them. Dr. King
doesn't like these people. Except Amelia… but wrong
place wrong time sister.
Fortunately our I.T. guy is also a supreme badass! I
mean this computer geek doesn't mess around. But to be
honest I never saw him work on a computer either. Tom's
badassery will be needed because the Shark Man is tearing them
up on water via bad CGI, and tearing them up on land via a guy
in a rubber suit. Worse still, Dr. King doesn't
want to kill Amelia anymore. Nope, considering this
shark man is Dr. King's dead son… say what… he's hoping he
will remember Amelia and rape her so they can start New
Atlantis. I told you he was nuts. Things will
explode early and often.
Let's lay into a few reasons why 'Hammerhead' is
terrible. As in terribly awesome! For instance, at
Dr. King's cookout to greet his guests, there's a three-eyed
pig on a spit. And I think they still ate it. Even
Montgomery Burns wouldn't have eaten that pig. Also at
the cookout, just feet away from where everybody was eating,
the Shark Man ate a couple sea frolickers, and nobody
cared. That's more awesomeness right there. One of
the stars of this is Bulgarian regular Atanas Srebrev, and we
always give shouts out Atanas Srebrev since this is the 46th
movie he's been in that I've seen. If I were given the
opportunity to make a movie, not only would Atanas Srebrev be
in my movie, he'd be the star of my movie. Believe
that. Another reason 'Hammerhead' is terribly awesome,
in addition to Jeffrey Combs and the fact that something blows
up every five minutes, is because it just doesn't give a
f**k. Badass I.T. professionals who aren't former CIA
retired killers, just dudes that work on PC's… blood thirsty
mercs who randomly drop their guns so the IT guy can pick it
up and kill them with it… blood thirsty mercs that are
routinely beat up by this IT guy… a hot scientist who can
break down the intricacies of an evil shark experiment by just
looking at a toe tag… The CEO of the company reciting
Shakespeare while at the same being hunted by the Shark
Man… Dr. King would like his shark son to stop eating
people and be more human, thus he sics them on the
presentation party, theory being that when he eats them, he'll
be more human. Yes, that sounds crazy… Karazy like a
Fox! This is a movie that just keeps on giving.
And look, something else has just blown up.
But what makes 'Hammerhead' less than awesome and ultimately a
piece of crap? The Shark Man. Look, at some point,
no matter how bad he might look, you ABSOLUTELY have to give
your monster movie fan his monster. Otherwise there is
no point. I needed to see my guy in the rubber suit, in
crystal clarity, eviscerate somebody. I needed to see my
guy in the rubber suit and the IT professional go toe to toe
with each other. I didn't want that, I needed that, we all needed that and
since I didn't get a clear shot of my monster eating somebody
or punching someone in the face, I cannot recommend this movie
to anybody. Epic Fail Michael Olbowitz! Epic
fail. Rule number one of the monster movie… always give
your fans their monster. So much horrible goodness
in this movie, AND Jeffrey Combs grossly overacting, let down
by the inability to follow this one simple rule.
