I decided a little while back that after the
FCU hits ten years, we're going to shut it down. We are
at eight right now, and it's been a party, but ten years is
more than long enough to do just about anything… except
marriage apparently which is a life sentence, a fun life
sentence he says while looking over his shoulder… but in March
of 2016 we will bid everyone a fair adieu. Even though
this decision was made before I saw R.I.P.D., the film has
nonetheless strengthened my resolve to stick to this
plan. A movie that isn't quite as bad as I have heard,
but still a movie that makes it no fun to write about movies.
Based off of a comic book, because if you want a movie
greenlit nowadays it had best be based off of something and
not something you actually thought of, we get to hang out with
hardcore cop Nick Walker (Ryan Reynolds) who we see has a
great relationship with his partner Bobby (Kevin Bacon) and is
madly in love with his wife Julia (Stefanie Szostak) and life
is great. Except for the fact Bobby and Nick heisted
some gold from a drug bust and Nick is feeling all guilty and
stuff and wants to turn his gold into the evidence room.
Now if we were to fast forward to the purpose this gold
served, what happens next doesn't make much sense in the grand
scheme of things, but we aren't going to do that. Just
know that there's a big drug bust and Nick dies in the
process.
Now apparently since Nick stole this
gold, gold that he was about to give back anyway, and despite
the fact he seemed to be a righteous dude, he was on the fast
track to hell after death. Clearly the requirements for
admission to the gates of pearl are stringent in this
reality. But fortunately for Nick he has a set of skills
that the in-between needs, that being police badassery.
As told by Proctor (Mary Louise-Parker) the administrator of
this place, the Rest In Peace Division needs badass cops
of questionable morale composition to descend
to back to Earth and bring back the dead who somehow escape
final judgment. Nick also gets partner in this task of
his in the surly 1800's Texas Ranger Royphesus Pulsipher (Jeff
Bridges), a veteran of the R.I.P.D who will show him the
ropes. Mix Match buddy cop movie hilarity shall
theoretically ensue.
Nick is down because he gets to go back Earth and be with
Julie, but unfortunately he looks just like actor James Hong
and Roy looks like swimsuit model Marissa Miller, so his wife
will never know her true love again. But there are more
pressing matters, like that stolen gold. The Dead
apparently have a plan of some sort, that being to open the
gates of Where The Dead People Live and not be dead no
more. Or something along those lines. Worst still
is that somehow Nick's old trusted partner might have
something to do with this, and even more troubling is that his
widowed wife could be in danger because of the plan of the
Dead People. Nick and Roy must save her. And the
Planet Earth. Thrilling action shall theoretically
ensue.
So if were to come to me and say 'Dude, I have a movie for you
to see that is a rip off of 'Men In Black' and 'Ghost Busters'
with a touch of 'Heaven Can Wait' tossed in', then I'm not
going too terribly upset that I have to go see that
movie. Why? Because those are good movies.
If you're going to rip off a movie one might as well rip off a
movie that was pretty good, right? I don't see anybody
ripping off 'Jaws 4: The Revenge'. The question is,
however, is how could a film with a veteran director in Robert
Schwentke, a ton of money behind it, and a fairly high dollar
cast turn out so inert? I didn't think that 'R.I.P.D'
was the worst movie ever, but it was kind of like watching
paint dry. Sure, watching paint dry may sound like it's
terrible, but to this movies benefit, at least it was like
watching really exciting paint dry. Super Paint.
Know what I'm saying?
Actually, watching R.I.P.D. turned out to be more of a
curiosity. You have all this stuff going on and all of
this action, you have Jeff Bridges turning the dial on Rooster
Cogburn to ten and then finding eleven, you have Ryan Reynolds
doing that fast talking thing he does which has made him rich,
though I must say this is like the first time I think I've
seen Ryan looking bored doing that thing he does… not so for
Jeff Bridges who has now taken Rooster to twelve on the dial…
not to mention Kevin Bacon completely mastering the art of
snarky cool, yet nothing ever really seemed to be
happening. I mean I'm watching a movie, there are manic
images dancing around in front of my eyes, I should be
entertained by this… but I'm not.
The real issue, at least for me, is that I really don't know
why I wasn't entertained, and this is why I have no real
desire to write anything about this movie, or movies like it
anymore. I should probably read what somebody else had
to say which may enlighten me on why this expensive,
explosive, star laden movie was so… blah… but that would take
like two extra mouse clicks and I just don't have the
energy. Besides, I just saw that video of the girl
twerking upside down then setting herself on fire. Now
THAT'S entertainment. R.I.P.D… not so much. I'm
not going to miss this.
