Don't think
the 'Malcolm X' reference wasn't lost on me Director Jason
Borque. A whirlpool forms in the Boston Harbor or
somewhere, and it's so powerful that it lifts up the iconic
Plymouth Rock. A few miles away, a couple of black dudes
are playing basketball. Note that neither of these
brothers seemed to have any kind of skills in regards to this
game, but that's really neither here nor there... But
seriously, that brother executed one of the worse crossovers
I'd ever seen. Then, out of the blue, Plymouth Rock
lands on one of these brothers. Now what is the social
statement that 'Stonados' was making here? Is it a
statement of defiance? Hell yeah Plymouth Rock landed on
you. Deal with it! Or was it a conciliatory
statement? We are sad that Plymouth Rock landed on you,
and you have our undying apologies. Or maybe it was just
a stupid scene in an almost worthless SyFy original movie
calling itself 'Stonados'.
Anyway, Global Warming is back it again, because if something
goes wrong in a SyFy original, there's a good chance that
Global Warming is involved, and it's caused a big whirpool in
the city of Boston which is tossing exploding rocks all over
the place. I haven't made it to Boston yet, but
apparently the people in Boston really
love their Bruins. The people in Boston rock Bruins gear
like it's nobody's business. You'd think they might be
sporting some Red Sox gear about now, and of course the
Patriots should probably get just a little love, not to
mention the Celtics on a good day, but in this reality is the
Bruins or nothing. They even went to a University of
Boston Football game sporting Bruins gear. Oh..
wait. This was actually shot in Canada by a Canadian,
and those other sports don't actually exist to those folks up
there.
Regardless of all of that, this situation is just terrible and
all of Boston is on the verge of being wiped off the planet
earth. Being originally a native of the city of St.
Louis and a fan of the Cardinals, this would not upset
me. I miss the Curse of the Bambino, an absent curse
which has cost me two World Series parades. The Curse
reference actually got a head up in this movie. As you
can see, 'focus' and 'Stonados' has become an issue for us
here at the FCU.
Back on
point. This situation is terrible but high school
science teacher Joe (Paul Johansson) and best friend and
backup weekend weather man Chuck (Sebastian Spence) is on the
job! Not to mention Joe's sister, Megan the Cop (Miranda
Frigon) is also helping out. True, the city of Boston
probably houses the largest concentration of high intelligence
on the planet Earth, but when trouble strikes that requires serious brain power, it's always best to
get a high school teacher and a weather man. Also on
board is light house proprietor The Smoking Man (William B.
Davis) who is looking at the storm with his eyes. He
trusts his eyes. He don't trust no damn scientific radar
which doesn't show anything. Then there's FOA chief Tara
Laykin (Thea Gill). Don't call her Tara. Her name
is Ms. Laykin! And she doesn't trust her eyes, only
scientific radar which doesn't show anything. One second
because we've gotten distracted yet again, this time by Ms
Laykin's assistant. While this character, played by
actress Aliyah O'Brien, serves almost no real purpose in the
movie other than handing Ms. Laykin papers and reciting the
obvious, her presence in this movie is most appreciated.
The situation is dire as the typhoons are picking up and the
exploding rocks are exploding harder. Also, Joe has a
bratty teenaged daughter and a hysterical young son he's
having to deal with. They've been kind of at odds since
their mom died, but when the time comes to face down this
killer storm, armed with some kind of super nuke type device,
Joe takes his kids with him because family needs to stick
together. That's what Joe said.
There's really not much to say about 'Stonados' as it is
fairly typical, somewhat slow moving SyFy movie ridiculous
slop featuring suspect special effects, but at least this one
had a few things working for it to attempt to lift your mind
off the slow moving ridiculousness of it all.
For instance, there's Willam B. Davis' part in this movie
where he interacted with absolutely nobody in this movie,
except for a parakeet, and the parakeet left about halfway
through. The budget probably didn't cover a wrangler for
the parakeet for the whole day, but that's still some easy
money for Mr. Davis right there. See a locked door with
scared children behind it? If you're Megan hot the cop,
you shoot at it. Joe, being the size of offensive guard
probably could've just kicked it in, but I like Megan's
approach better for no other reason because there was a chance
that one of the bratty kids might catch a stray one.
These movies would probably would be better if our heroes just
used the 'Nuke Option' in the first scene just to get it over
quicker. And don't miss Ms. Larkin's big 'Samuel L.
Jackson - Deep Blue Sea' speech she gives.
We must also give a nod to SyFy for pulling this movie as it
was supposed air months ago, but then some loons decided to
plant bombs at the Boston Marathon and a movie depicting
things blowing up in some facsimile of Boston certainly
would've been in poor taste.
So with Plymouth Rocks falling on African Americans,
irresponsible fathers risking their children's lives so they
can chase killer storms as a family, typhoons carrying
vibrating rocks that blow up, and professors at MIT and
Harvard sitting this one out while high school teachers do all
the heavy work, stones in tornadoes might not beat sharks in
tornadoes… what could… but it still has its merits. If
you squint.
