As of this writing, sometime in 2014, 42-year
old actress Nicole Eggert is now better known for being
overweight, showing up on some gawdawful reality show trying
to get in shape or something. But this was not always
the case for the former Baywatch beauty, no sir. Take
23-year old Nicole Eggert in this movie from 1995, 'The
Demolitionist'. Five pounds either way for this version
of Nicole Eggert would've ruined the package because this
right here is the look and sound of perfect.
Amazing. Now, we're not mentioning Ms. Eggert's
phenomenal figure in this film because we are a depraved,
ogling dirty old man or anything, but because her figure is
the star of this awful movie. That and the legendary
Richard Greico's manic overacting, but if you happen to be
sitting around watching an old episode of Celebrity Fit Club…
God forbid… and you are the least bit curious about what
Nicole is trying to get back to, here you go.
Mad Dog (Greico) and his brother Little Henry (Randy Vasquez)
are about to be executed, though they don't seem too terribly
concerned about this. This scene is notable in that the
Anchorwoman on TV reporting this event is being played by
Heather Langenkamp, who also had a fairly amazing figure at
one time. Anyway, the reason Mad Dog isn't all that
concerned is because he and his brother have rigged the system
and have subsequently busted out of that joint. Or at
least Mad Dog did since Little Henry died standing in a pool
of highly conductive urine. It's complicated.
Mad Dog, once he gets back to his gang, swears revenge on this
town for the death of his baby brother, even though it was all
his brother's own fault, but if Mad Dog was paying attention
he would've noticed the pretty new blonde in his camp,
undercover detective Alyssa Lloyd (Eggert). We could ask
why she was undercover at Mad Dog's camp, as if she knew he
was going bust out of his execution and kill a bunch of
reporters and prison officials in the process, failing to warn
anybody that this was about happen, but we won't do
that. Actually, Mad Dog does notice, and Mad Dog does
not like undercover cops. Not even a little bit.
Now Alyssa is dead and her partner / lover who was monitoring
her in the van is in a coma.
Not so fast! Say hello to Dr. Jack
Crowley (Bruce Abbott) and his Project Lazarus. This
cat, with the permission of The Mayor (Susan Tyrell), has
found a way to make a super cop, from a dead cop. All he
needs is a dead cop volunteer. Hello Alyssa! Now
at first Alyssa wasn't all too keen on being dead, kept alive
by super nanobot technology which required daily infusions and
gave her terrible nightmares, but then she remembered why
she's all dead and stuff in the first place… and a Super Cop
is born.
Watch out thugs, rapist, thieves, and murders… you have
a five foot 100 pound badass on a pimped out motorbike and a
gun with endless ammo kicking ass and taking down names… and
her pencil just broke so she's not taking down names
anymore. But she is still sad… mourning her fiancée
still in the coma, depressed that one day without the nanobots
makes her look like a zombie, and that her creator is an
unfeeling cad of a man. But there is still the
unfinished business of Mad Dog, and damn if there isn't a
nanobot shortage. Can our small shapely dead cop take
out the Mad Dog before he… does something?
'Robocop' meets 'The Crow' by way of 'La Femme Nikita'.
Now that's not me talking, that's this films star, Nicole
Eggert, agreeing with this as a synopsis of her movie.
Who am I to argue with Nicole Eggert? Nobody, that's
who. However, I would just add the caveat that 'The
Demolitionist' is 'Robocop', meets 'The Crow' by way of 'La
Femme Nikita' if all three of those movies were really
shitty. That's the only extra thing I'd throw in
there.
In all honesty though, 'The Demolitionist' isn't really all that bad. The film certainly
didn't take itself to terribly serious, or at least Richard
Greico didn't… I'm not too sure about Ms. Eggert. Was
she was acting in parody or acting badly. Can't
decipher. The movie moved pretty decently, though it did
get bogged down in certain parts, overwrought with melodrama
or an excess of poorly recited dialog, especially when this
dialog was spewed by anyone other than Richard Greico, and the
movie had the clever effect of bullet body hits that exploded
with a puff of red smoke. I don't know if that's a good
thing or not, but it is a thing.
This film was directed by effects guru Robert Kurtzman, who
has directed like five movies in his lengthy career and I've
seen them all. I don't know why. But while Mr.
Kurtzman is a hella FX master, he doesn't seem to be much of a
film director. Especially a director of actors.
Richard Greico and Susan Tyrell probably needed to reigned in,
Bruce Abbott needed to be amped up and Nicole… well… she sure
does have a nice figure. In Nicole's defense,
considering she was so young in this film, I can say that in
the future I will have seen her do better acting work in much
worse movies. 'Lightspeed' and 'Turbulent Skies' comes
to mind. So that's gotta be worth something. But
we will say that Mr. Kurtzman rarely wastes an opportunity to
show some bloody spray, or some overly made up grotesquery, or
even the occasional melting corpse, playing into what the man
does best. These things don't make 'The Demolitionist'
any better, but they do help the time pass faster.
'The Demolitionist' is completely crazy mid-90's low budget
nonsense, replete with cheesy effects, a Baywatch babe as a
star and Richard Greico chewing up scenery like it was a stick
of Trident with flavor crystals. In the right frame of
mind, this combo can infinitely entertain. I clearly
wasn't in the right frame of mind on this day.
