My friends, I have no idea what I have just
seen with this movie 'The Devils Sword', but I do know that is
has blown my mind. One could argue that there isn't much
left to blow anymore, though one probably wouldn't make that
argument to my face, because I'm badass, but nonetheless, it
is blown. I will try to describe what I have seen in the
1980's Indonesian Sword and Sorcery epic, but it will not be
easy.
A meteor falls from the sky. I assume from Satan.
And an old wise man grabs the hot rock and makes a sword out
of it. I don't know why. I think this is The
Devil's Sword.
Fast forward many years for the wedding between Pita Loca
(Enny Christina) and her true love Sanjay. Unfortunately
for the love birds, The Crocodile Queen (Guid Sintara) has
decided she wants Sanjay for her own. Apparently the
people of this land are forced to offer up various males in
sacrifice to The Crocodile Queen as sex slaves if they want to
keep her happy, which can't be easy because as we can clearly
see, the Queen's appetite for sex is no joke.
To get Sanjay, the Queen dispatches her top warrior Banyunjaga
(Advent Bangun) who busts out of a bunch of rocks wielding his
double swords to take Sanjay back to the Queen. But the
good people of this village are having none of that and put up
a fight. A worthless fight, but a fight
nonetheless. This fight gets the attention of our hero
Mandala (Barry Primo) who is a little ways away looking at the
sky majestically on his majestic stallion, and he is on his
way to help. Eventually. Meanwhile, Banyunjaga is
steadily murdering the citizens of this village until the
bride Pita Loca steps in with her wicked umbrella technique
and amazing kung fu skills. Sanjay seems to want to get
in the fight, but every time he tries, his father in law
punches in him face to keep him at bay. Meanwhile,
Mandala is still looking majestically at the sky. But
he's on his way. Eventually.
As tough as Pita Loca might be, Banyunjaga
temporarily puts her down forcing dad to get in on the
fight. Doesn't last long. FINALLY, Mandala shows
up and starts kicking Banyunjaga's ass. He kicks his ass
so tough Banyunjaga had to summon the crocodile head creatures
from the dirt get Mandala off his back. With Mandala
distracted, Banyunjaga whisks Sanjay away to his new home as
the queen's sex slave. That was one wacky sequence my
friends. I had to rewind it to experience it one more
time.
Now what? A lot of stuff. Mandala and Banyunjaga
used to be disciples of some old dude until Banyunjaga turned
to the darkness and damn near killed the old dude, along with
the Three Crazed Killers from Hell. Fortunately Mandala
saved the old dude, via double amputation, with the old dude
telling Mandala that for the sake of the planet he needs to
defeat the queen, but to do that, he will need the legendary
Devil's Sword.
Thus Mandala and Pita Loca embark on a deadly journey to the
Cave of Nowhere to find this sword, which is hidden, Indian
Jones style, in a completely rigged environment, which is kind
of messed up when you think about it. You see, we are
told only one person can wield this sword, the righteous
Mandala I assume, thus with this knowledge, to make this
person go through a gauntlet of death to get something only he
can have… you see what I'm saying here? The Queen, for
her part, is busy sexing up people, including Banyunjaga who
gets a little bit of that in rather wacky love scene which
eventually turns into Banyunjaga wrestling a crocodile under
water. Mind is still steadily being blown.
Tragically, Banyunjaga kind of failed on a mission for the
Queen, so despite his skills at underwater crocodile lovin',
he might not be a factor later on. The Queen would've
needed him too.
Eventually Mandala and Pita Loca make it the underground lair
of the Crocodile Queen, with Pita Loca being taken hostage and
Mandala being snared under the queens spell and sexing her up
amidst a gigantic orgy, which also featured what I believe was
a Soul Train dance line. I kid you not.
Eventually, the old dude from the beginning tells the amputee
old dude what needs to be done, and big old kung-fu fight
takes place with the fate of the world at stake.
People… this movie was insane. Mind you, since it was
Indonesian and apparently there is some kind of nudity sensor
for Indonesian movies, this movie had as much sex in a movie
as humanly possible without showing naked people or people
actually having sex. Plus I gotta admit, at the outset
it didn't look like the queen was doing anybody too much
harm. Sacrifice simply meant swimming underwater to the
queen and having sex. That's not really much of a
sacrifice, is it? And the final Orgy / Solid Gold dance
off was kind of off the chain to be honest with you. I
also wish I could discuss the narrative with you, but this
story kind skirted past my simple abilities to
comprehend. Either it made no sense, or it made so much
sense that the mind just couldn't handle it. I'm not
sure which. And I hope you like action because this
movie was non-stop amateurish kung-fu fighting from almost
stop to finish, then at one point Banyunjaga and Mandala
starting shooting hand lasers at each other. Freaking
lasers. If you could imagine it, it was in this movie.
Was it a good movie? Who in the world could possibly
answer that question? This is a movie elevates beyond
simple good and bad into the ether of neverness. Hell if
I know what that means, but 'The Devil's Sword' was an
otherworldly experience is all that I can tell you. All
I can tell you is that MY mind was blown.
