Each time I watch a previously unseen 1980's
era Sword and Sorcery movie and I think I've seen them all,
twenty more pop up. WILL IT EVER END? I sure hope
not because we love crap sword and sorcery movies here at the
FCU, and make no mistake about it, this festival of boobs from
1984 calling itself 'The Warrior and the Sorceress' is a crap
sword and sorcery movie, but as we have stated on many an
occasion… crap doesn't necessarily mean devoid of
entertainment value. True that.
The stranger walks into the dusty town and in the horizon
burns two suns. So that lets me know that this probably
isn't the planet Earth and since there are two suns the
chances are it's hot a lot on this planet. Who is this
stranger? He's listed in the credits as Kain, though
this name is never used in this movie, as he will only be
called 'The Dark One' by all involved and he is gloriously
underplayed by the late David Carradine. Or at least
he's listed as having died back in 2009 which I have my doubts
about because I'm writing this in late 2012 and David
Carradine still has quite a few movies in various stages
production.
So the stranger walks into town and as suspected it's hot and
folks are thirsty and he's thirsty and there is only one water
well being guarded by the inept guards of the scurrilous Zeg
the Tyrant (the late Luke Askew). Some stuff happens,
The Dark One eviscerates these guards and now everybody in
town can drink water which leads to mayhem, merriment and
boobage.
The Dark One freeing up the well pleases the other warlord in
town, Balcaz the sneaky fat bastard (the late Guillermo Marin)
who hires Kain to help him put down Zeg for
good. Problem being that Balcaz's right
hand man… uh… right hand lizard has advised him to stab Kain
in the back once the deed is done. Walking, talking
lizards cannot be trusted, this much I've learned. Note
that Balcaz the fat bastard was surrounded by boobs while
discussing affairs with Kain.
Where does the Sorceress come in during all of this?
Well she's always around…not doing much of anything related to
sorcery. Her name is Naja, she's played by actress Maria
Socas and at some point during the production of this movie
I'm sure she had to have asked director John C. Broderick if
she could cover her boobs up. He said 'hell no'.
Naja is being held captive by Zeg who needs her to do some
sorcery stuff on a sword to make it awesome or something so he
can rule the world or something. I don't know. I
don't care. Maria Socas is sprinting through town naked
and I'm being distracted from the actual story in this movie
which is a good thing.
And so it goes, The Dark One playing Zeg against Balcaz while
stealing their gold talits and in his spare time setting the
Sorceress free. Or not. He could care less about
that even though I think she used to be his topless queen at
some point. Lame sword battles shall ensue and the
sorcery will be far and few between.
As we have often stated here at the FCU, we vehemently oppose
the use of gratuitous nudity in films as we have nothing but
mad respect for our sisters and on the outset it would seem as
if 'The Warrior and the Sorceress' is overflowing with
gratuitous nudity… but not so fast my friends.
'Gratuitous' indicates 'not necessary' but I will have you
know that every wayward titty in this somewhat slow moving low
budget Argentinean epic was critical to moving the plot
forward in this movie because if there were no titties, there
would be no plot. I don't think. Maybe. I
forget.
You see, this is the magic of the 'Warrior and the
Sorceress'. Yes, David Carradine looked bored to death
and seemed like he came on set after an eight hour bender at
the local pub, sure the fight choreography consisted of no
choreography whatsoever, and we can't argue that the sets were
limited, the dialog was painful and the acting was suspect…
but titties kept it all in motion in a relevant, cohesive
way. Take the classic scene featuring the four tittied
dancer for instance, and might I add that her second pair of
prosthetic titties looked amazingly authentic, and note that
this was years before Verhoven and company thought of putting
a three tittied woman in 'Total Recall'. But this woman
was a secret assassin to be used against The Dark One, but
there was no way any old assassin could sneak up on him
because he was too awesome… but a dancer with four
titties? Who would've thought a four tittied dancer
could be dangerous? I know I wouldn't have. Clever
and ingenious. Note that Zeg softened Kain up for the
four tittied dancer by having him witness the show featuring
the regular tittied slave drowning. Admittedly, it was a
real lame show and this woman seemed far too hot to just allow
her to drown to death… not that I'm saying that ugly chicks
should drown to death instead… but narratively speaking it
loosened Kain up for the assault that was the four tittied
dancer. And we've only begun to intellectually scratch
the surface of the relevance of Maria Socas being naked
throughout the entire movie. Right now I have nothing as
far as presenting this relevance, but give me some time and I
should be able to make up something.
So there you go. While on the surface 'The Warrior and
Sorceress' may look like a poorly crafted, slow moving, lazy
sword and sorcery movie, it's actually a social treatise on
how awesome boobs are. And who are we to argue with
sociology?
