As the final credits begin to roll for the legendary Godfrey Ho’s Magna Opus ‘Undefeatable’, I could only sit there… slack jawed… until finally I just began to slow clap. Bravo… bravo. If you only watch one movie in your life, that movie should probably be ‘Road House’, but if you can’t find ‘Road House’ then make it ‘Undefeatable’. If you’re some kind of whackjob that doesn’t actually watch movies but just goes around reading movie reviews, then stop doing that, track down ‘Undefeatable’ and watch it. You probably won’t want to watch another movie ever again. If you can’t find it, tweet me and I will rip my own version and upload an illegal copy somewhere. I don’t think it’s fair that I’ve seen this movie and that there are people out there who haven’t had the opportunity. It’s just not fair.
As our movie begins we are sitting in on the auburn haired Anna (Emille Davazak) confiding with her auburn haired shrink Dr. Jennifer (Donna Jason) about her abusive husband Paul (Don Naim), known in the fighting circles as Stingray. Paul used to be a kindly mechanic, but now, for no particular reason, he just beats Anna senseless and uses his undefeatable martial skills to kill people in the ring for mad cash. As this movie begins, with the acting being extremely suspect and then watching the poorly choreographed Stingray v. Pathetic Black Dude fight, you will be tempted to turn this movie off and watch something else. But then Stingray’s manic wild eyes will burn at you through the screen and his frightening Super Mullet will advise you not to do this. And for the next 90 minutes you will be trapped. Anyway, Dr. Jen advises Anna to leave the abusive Stingray. After Stingray rapes her before dinner that evening, while calling her mommy, she does. Yes, Stingray is crazy. But Anna did make it a point to leave him a note and made damn sure that Stingray knows that it was her psychiatrist that urged her to do this. Anna… that’s not good looking out.
Eventually we will meet hardcore gangbanger / diner waitress Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock). The auburn haired Kristi supplements her income by engaging is street battles against other gang members, who all know kung fu. Everybody in this reality
knows at least basic kung fu, which makes this an awesome reality. However, super tough Kung Fu enabled police detective Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who is the head of this police force’s gang squad / homicide squad / B&E squad and serial killer squad breaks up Kristi’s latest victory and carts her off to the hoosegow. Kristi, who wears her jeans pulled up just under her breasts, explains that she’s just trying to make a few extra bucks to put her sister Karen (Sunny David) through college. Apparently that’s a good enough reason for rampant gang violence and illegal street gambling brawls, so Nick lets her go. We could mention that when Nick arrested Kristi her hair was straight, but when she got to the station house she had a curly perm, but we just assumed Nick had a curling iron in the back of his squad car.
By this time Stingray has gone about the business of killing Anna. Over and over and over again. If you’re a woman, try not to have auburn colored hair and try not to wear flowery print dresses. Just don’t do it. You may be thinking that you’re super tough, kung fu champion boyfriend can protect you… HARHARHAR!!! Stingray has invented his own super style of kung fu that even a noted kung fu master can’t decipher and it has made him undefeatable. Tragically, on this day, Kristi’s beloved sister Karen was sporting reddish hair and a flowery print dress. Now when Stingray began assaulting her it was broad daylight and it looked as if this was taking place in a mall parking lot. Karen did know a little kung fu, but seeing it wasn’t enough maybe she should’ve started yelling her head off. Maybe? No sir. The next time we see Karen she is on a metal slab with kung fu claw marks on her neck and her eyes plucked out. Stingray likes to collect their eyes and pop them in his fish tank. He’s crazy.
Now Kristi, after an impressive grief showing that was BY FAR the most impressive acting bit in this movie, has sworn revenge. But against who? Like Kristi cares. It’s time to kick ass. Detective Nick has told Kristi that she can’t go around beating potential suspects near to death, plus she’s beating up the wrong dudes. Eventually the psychiatrist comes into the picture on the request of Detective Nick who wants her to profile the killer. Something in the pictures jogs her memory… she says ‘wait a minute…’, and Nick is waiting a minute because he needs a break in this case of the serial killer running through town killing redheads and ripping out their eyes. Then the doc is like ‘oh, nevermind’. Nick begs her to tell her what she thinks. The doc is like… ‘I’ll get back to you on that’. Meanwhile two more redheads get murdered. Again… not good looking out. One more thing about the doc, once they get Stingray’s address, the doc forces Nick to take her along on the raid. She said if he didn’t take her she won’t be able to help him anymore on the case of the lunatic running through town ripping out the eyes of the redheads. Seriously doc?
So the doc’s suspicions are correct, Anna’s ex-husband is our killer. Eventually Stingray has remembered that it was his wife’s bitch of a shrink who told her to leave his ass and he goes to make her pay. Eventually there is a big showdown between Kristi and Stingray at Stingray’s murder warehouse… but that’s not the final showdown, just the pre-showdown. The REAL showdown, the coup de grace, comes at the hospital basement where Stingray was hoping to FINALLY kill the doctor who ruined his life, and is essentially responsible for deaths of about a dozen redheads in this town, if you think about it. What a fight it will be. Stingray and his own brand of death-fu against Detective Nick, the King of Kempo. With Kristi the diner waitress / gang banger hanging around to help out when things got hairy. Stingray is undefeatable you know. In fact, if it wasn’t for the random rusty nail sticking out of a wall here, or some motorized hooks lounging about over there, Stingray would probably still be out and about killing Anna. And his mom. Roll credits. Be amazed.
I’ve said it before, but you cannot purposely set out to make a craptastic movie, it has to occur organically. ‘Undefeatable’ is craptastic on a level of craptasticness that I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced. When Kristi fought the football player who spoke in football metaphors, I was done. Because I speak in football metaphors. My son was whining about something a few months back and I told him ‘son, sometimes life is like a pulling guard with a torn MCL’, and I sent him on his way to ponder that statement. He ran away soon after that. Your mom misses you boy, come on back home.
I’ve run out of time and space because I could discuss this amazing film all freaking day. I have been defeated by undefeatable.